Sat
Feb
7
Whatever compelled me to write on here after months of inactivity and hours of restlessness, I will never know.
I hate spending nights alone. Jolene is out with a friend, I have no friends…and even if I did they wouldn’t suffice. I need something to channel myself into. My band’s one hour a week practices are not enough. Whenever I’m at work I always count down the hours, minutes, and even seconds until I get off…only to count down until I start again as soon as I get home.
Little to nothing appeals to me, and the stuff that does generally grows unappealing fairly quickly. I find myself venting here not because it will make me feel better, but because I honestly can not think of anything else to do with my time and I can’t sleep. Mother fuck it all.
Wed
Sep
3
I have been through so much lately it’s insane. I feel no particular need to document it, it’s largely irrelevant. All that is relevant is the right here and the right now, and right now I see an incredibly beautiful woman laying just below me and I’m about ready to cuddle up with her and call it a night.
The new Slipknot album kicks ass. All Hope Is Gone? You’re damn right it is. I swear that saying was on the tip of my tongue for years and Slipknot beat me to it. It’s only when you have lost hope that you are able to look at tragedy with such indifference. I’ve lost hope in damn near everything, I’m embarassed by the human race and over of my delusions of trying to fix it.
I really hope one day Jolene grows to understand my point of view and learns not to take things so seriously. She is damn near the only thing I still have hope for. I love her, and in a world where nothing else is true I hope I am tangled up in her for the rest of my life.
Sat
Aug
9
I’m in Minneapolis now at my own apartment.
I haven’t started work yet, I don’t want to although I know I have to.
I live with the girl that I love more than the life I live that allows me to do so. I miss her. I’m going to see Slipknot tomorrow. I’m not excited yet, but I’m sure I will be. I feel mentally exhausted. I want to go to sleep, but only if she’s next to me.
I am a total narcicisst, realizing everything I have said in this entire entry has started with forms of the word “I”.
Tue
Jul
15
It’s Tuesday about 10 AM, I work at 2 and I am really bo-red but really excited for what’s to come. Jolene and I are going to see Kittie and Dope tomorrow, I have wanted to see Dope for so many years so it’s going to be awesome.
On Sunday I spent the night at her house, of course I can’t sleep with her but I always sneak up to her room and cuddle with her for awhile usually until she falls asleep. I curled up next to her and within no time she was out. I kissed her somewhat firmly and told her that I love her and she was just completely out and couldn’t respoind. It was adorable.
I guess Tiller and Bryan are working opposite shifts from each other, really shitty news for Afterfive. I hope we still get to jam when I come up there.
Sat
Jul
12
I’m trying to put my own website together. They say the hardest part is getting started…that rings oh so very true in this situation.
It is coming up on 10 AM right now, I work the 2-11 shift at Wal-Mart today. I don’t like that shift at all, it is so hard to “get up” for work when you know that it’s the very last thing you will be doing with your day.
When I’m alone, I’m scared of moving out. When I’m with Jolene, I’m excited. I think it’s going to be that way even after we move. When one of us is at work or she’s at school I will probably feel a little uneasy for awhile, but it will pass…because I know when I finally able to fall asleep to her every night I will be happier than I ever have been.
Fri
Jul
11
Jolene is very sick, it makes my proverbial heart sink.
I’m going to miss Wal-Mart, well at least the Red Wing one. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?
Sun
Jun
29
I had three days off and they were all very enjoyable.
Friday Jolene and I went up to Maplewood to see Mushroomhead, the slight problem being Mushroomhead had cancelled…fuck. On the bright side, we already had tickets but had to pay to see just the opening acts play and have sluttily dressed girls offer us a sample of their frosty deliciousness. On a seriously positive note, I really didn’t care that much…I was still with her.
On Saturday we didn’t decide to really get out of bed and moving until about 3 PM, which was awesome. We went into Rochester and then into Lake City for some carnival, went on a few rides that made us all want to puke, and then me and her went back to her place.
Sunday morning she had to work. I’m not allowed to sleep in her room with her because her dad is very old fashioned so I went up a few minutes before she had to wake up and woke her up myself. I didn’t want to see her go. I ended up stopping by the resteraunt she works at to have breakfast. I had the idea that I would eat really slow so I could be with her for as long as possible, but I ended up having to eat really slow anyway because I have a really hard time getting food down in the morning. The place started to get really busy so I bailed out, as much as I didn’t want to leave I thought that I had to. I ended up seeing her later on, it was so nice…I just wish we didn’t always have these time limits.
I don’t want to go back to work at all. It always works out this way, the longer I’m away from there…the less I want to go back.
Sun
Jun
22
I miss my platform and I miss my stage.
I look around and I see way too many people caught up on all the little illusions life presents us, no, the bullshit ideas we are constantly forcefed. I can sometimes be content to leave people to their delusions and laugh from afar, but it’s getting to the point where I am having a hard time finding anyone to relate to because everyone is so fucking brainwashed. Scratch that, it has always been this way…but I can feel the camel’s back starting to break.
Anyone who has the slightest clue about what is really important in life is written off as insane, but the more you listen to other people…the more deluded you become. Society is infected, and the only possible cures are isolation and education…and let it be known that education has fuck all to do with school. Nobody has a fucking clue, the most successful and powerful people in this world could hardly spell “cat” if you spotted them the c and the t.
I know I could help, but I know barely anyone is listening. My voice is about as relevant to humanity at large as a grain of sand is to the beach it inhabits. I’m just sick of this shit, I’m sick of these illusions, and I’m sick of being crucified for having common sense. I’m not insane, you know what I think is crazy? Someone who looks at this world and isn’t losing their fucking mind over how little sense everyone and everything makes. So many people have so much pride in things they have so little say in, well I didn’t choose to be human, and I’m sure as hell not proud.
Thu
Jun
19
I spent the night at Jolene’s yesterday, yet another amazing night with my amazing girl.
I got to work today and started the usual routine, an hour later Tracy came in.
Tracy: Benjamin guess what?
Me: What?
Tracy: I’m actually happy to see you today!
She’s funny, she bullies me all day and then when I walk away from her she starts whining and asking me where I’m going. I even stayed late after I clocked out to keep her company in the twilight of the Garden Center’s hours where nobody comes in. She knows I never stick up for myself and takes full advantage of it, but at the end of the day she is really nice.
So I get home and Jolene calls me. I ask her what she is doing and she says she is driving and she is almost home, she then asks me to hold on for a second and then I hear a knock at my window. Low and behold, it was her. I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming, I love her so much.
