February 2009
1 post
Another lonely night
Whatever compelled me to write on here after months of inactivity and hours of restlessness, I will never know.
I hate spending nights alone. Jolene is out with a friend, I have no friends…and even if I did they wouldn’t suffice. I need something to channel myself into. My band’s one hour a week practices are not enough. Whenever I’m at work I always count down the...
October 2008
1 post
September 2008
1 post
In this world where nothing else is true...
I have been through so much lately it’s insane. I feel no particular need to document it, it’s largely irrelevant. All that is relevant is the right here and the right now, and right now I see an incredibly beautiful woman laying just below me and I’m about ready to cuddle up with her and call it a night. The new Slipknot album kicks ass. All Hope Is Gone? You’re damn...
August 2008
1 post
I
I’m in Minneapolis now at my own apartment. I haven’t started work yet, I don’t want to although I know I have to. I live with the girl that I love more than the life I live that allows me to do so. I miss her. I’m going to see Slipknot tomorrow. I’m not excited yet, but I’m sure I will be. I feel mentally exhausted. I want to go to sleep, but only if...
July 2008
3 posts
Tuesday before work
It’s Tuesday about 10 AM, I work at 2 and I am really bo-red but really excited for what’s to come. Jolene and I are going to see Kittie and Dope tomorrow, I have wanted to see Dope for so many years so it’s going to be awesome. On Sunday I spent the night at her house, of course I can’t sleep with her but I always sneak up to her room and cuddle with her for awhile...
Changes
I’m trying to put my own website together. They say the hardest part is getting started…that rings oh so very true in this situation. It is coming up on 10 AM right now, I work the 2-11 shift at Wal-Mart today. I don’t like that shift at all, it is so hard to “get up” for work when you know that it’s the very last thing you will be doing with your day. When...
Another two line blog
Jolene is very sick, it makes my proverbial heart sink. I’m going to miss Wal-Mart, well at least the Red Wing one. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?
June 2008
9 posts
Frosty deliciousness
I had three days off and they were all very enjoyable. Friday Jolene and I went up to Maplewood to see Mushroomhead, the slight problem being Mushroomhead had cancelled…fuck. On the bright side, we already had tickets but had to pay to see just the opening acts play and have sluttily dressed girls offer us a sample of their frosty deliciousness. On a seriously positive note, I really...
Fukyewoll
I miss my platform and I miss my stage. I look around and I see way too many people caught up on all the little illusions life presents us, no, the bullshit ideas we are constantly forcefed. I can sometimes be content to leave people to their delusions and laugh from afar, but it’s getting to the point where I am having a hard time finding anyone to relate to because everyone is so fucking...
...tux
I spent the night at Jolene’s yesterday, yet another amazing night with my amazing girl. I got to work today and started the usual routine, an hour later Tracy came in. Tracy: Benjamin guess what? Me: What? Tracy: I’m actually happy to see you today! She’s funny, she bullies me all day and then when I walk away from her she starts whining and asking me where I’m going. I...
You're so beautiful
I don’t know how I can be so indifferent about so many seemingly important facets of life but be so fragile as it pertains to others. Moving on. I have came to realize that about 99% of the people who claim to be in love are actually just “in love” with the feeling that someone else brings them. When you do actually love someone…when you know you would put their life...
I wish I may, I wish I might
I feel like I have been on my man period lately, I have been way too emotional about everything. Yesterday I felt really bad because one of my co-workers was being fakey mean to me, and I just wasn’t in the mood. My friend Terren kind of cheered me up a little though, she always smiles and waves at me whenever I walk by her register. It’s a simple gesture but it always lifts my...
A look inside my twisted world
I just got done watching Twisted Method’s DVD “Look Inside My Twisted World”. Production value was shit, but I don’t care…it was amazing. There is a certain level of angst within that band that I will always be able to identify with. Of course right after I got into them their guitarist quit, their drummer quit, they broke up, and then their guitarist died. Just...
I spoke too soon
My car died. Fucking hell.
In short
I have been doing really good lately. The only time I’m upset is when I’m at work, otherwise things have been really awesome. It’s really not hard to see why.
May 2008
8 posts
Correction
Wal-Mart REALLY sucks.
Fornicate your couch negro
Wal-Mart sucks. This is news to approximately no one. We went looking at apartments on Thursday. The first one was small but cheap, I liked it but her not so much. The second one was beautiful, affordable, and in a great neighborhood, but the guy took one look at us (pretty much both decked out in black, me in my Slipknot shirt and her with her In Flames one) and then basically shooed us...
JFLKAjfeoijlkj2w803fjcjqeoilkcx
I feel like I just got hit by several dozen trucks, and I am really sick. The kicker? I have to work in an hour. …fuck.
Prom
I went to the Lake City prom on Saturday, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, kind of weird that someone like me would enjoy something like prom, but I was with Jolene…so nothing else mattered. She spent the night and I spent pretty much all of Sunday with her too, it was so nice. Work is really beginning to suck. It seems like the better things outside of it get, the less I want to be there. On...
Anniversary
So today (technically yesterday as it is past midnight) was Jolene and my anniversary, and quite possibly the best day of my life…so far. She came over and we laid in my bed for awhile. We then went to her house, made some signs for her graduation party, went to the bar and played pool, and then went to the beach and well…you can imagine. It may seem like a standard sequence of...
Putting Benjamin Back Together
I lost my inspiration, but I got it back. If you know me you probably know exactly what that means. The past three-four weeks have been the closest existing equivalent to hell I have ever experienced, but something good came out of it. I realized just how damaged I am on the inside, and how it translates into something so ugly it’s beautiful. I forgot how much of a headcase I can be. I...
April 2008
8 posts
Ouch
They stuck me with the most strict driving instructor they have, needless to say I failed. I’m not making excuses, I would have failed no matter who they put me with…but damn she looked like she was having too much fun telling me how badly I sucked. I’m in so much pain. My mouth, throat, back, feet, fuck. I would say Wal-Mart is sucking the life out of me but I didn’t...
INsignificance
I feel horrible, absolutely fucking horrible. The catch: nothing is really wrong. If left in a neutral state my mood will always gravitate towards depression, I fucking hate it. Fact (yet again): I do not posses the ability to make myself happy. Furthermore, I am barely able to muster a feeling of contentment without influencing factors. I hate being consumed with something that is sucking the...
Absent hearted
I have so little patience for anything right now. I’m in such a sour mood, I think that’s the best word to describe it. It’s not cranky, it’s not depressive, but it’s somewhere in between. I know exactly why it is, every logical bone in my body is telling me to shut the fuck up…but no long term solution is going to fix this short term annoyance.
Eat my asshole
Before I had a job I used to sit around my house and do pretty much nothing all the time, it made me feel like I am wasting my life. Now that I am employed…well, I feel like I am wasting my life. I didn’t think it would change anything, now I know for sure that’s not the case. I have had two days off now and I kind of fell back into my old routine, and I’m not exactly...
Suicide and new life
A 16 year old boy from Red Wing killed himself recently, he shot himself while sitting in the front seat of his pickup truck. Before he did the deed he wrote on a website that he was doing it because he was heavily bullied in high school, the same school I went to for the majority of my time in high school. Stupid, but not suprising. Further irony, in his honor some of his friends (I presume)...
TheKidFrom13thStreet hates you all
I find it very, very hard to care about anything these days. I think everything sucks. I think everyone’s stupid. Bad things happen and I shrug, good things happen and the extent of my reaction may be somewhere along the lines of “Oh, neat”. It’s not that I can’t feel anything, it’s that I am real selective about what makes me feel a thing. I tend to invest...
The most inspiring speech I have ever heard
You think you’re smart huh? Think you can come up here and take a piece of this? Huh? Any of you? You? You? Listen, Harvard. I’m a billionaire. And most of you are gonna graduate and move back in with your parents! I’m gonna tell you somethin’, though. We have something in common: we’re all gonna die. No matter whatcha’ do. No matter whatcha’ do with...
How can I help YOU?
I have nothing but the utmost contempt for the standards the mindless masses have set for intimate interaction with each other. I rebuke it, I always have, but the more it contaminates what little is still pure in this world, the more I am forced to deal with it. Moving on. I work at Wal-Mart now. I went from never having a paying job before to working full time, what a bitch. I’m not...
March 2008
8 posts
Bo-redom
Holy fuck on a stick I’ve been bo-red lately. I talked to Bryan earlier today, it was just further proof that I need to get the fuck out of here. I’m stuck here in Red Wing with no friends in the area. My girlfriend is my only form of a social life and she lives 30 miles away and has plenty of other people constantly bidding for her time. Things just flat out suck here.
Relief
Jolene thought she was pregnant, which thankfully is not the case. She has the staunch posistion that she never wants to have kids, I am more undecided but wouldn’t even want to consider it until I was ready to really settle down…which is most likely never, so that is most definitely a bullet dodged for us. I had been in such a shitty mood for the past few days, there is just no...
*Le sigh*
I wish the people I knew in “real life” were half as interesting as the people I talk to on stickam every night. Then again what do I know? I don’t really have any friends anymore.
Ho-ly shit...
Damn I was scared for awhile today. Hopefully it’s nothing.
The trend continues
Once again, I had a great day. I woke up and played a little RuneScape, Jolene comes on and plays with me while she is at study hall at school. She then told me that she was considering coming over later (which after I repeatedly told her that I love her she decided to) and then I was so happy I couldn’t even play anymore. My time with her was amazing. There hasn’t been one day in...
And again
I had yet another awesome day. My sister took me driving, it was definitely good to get my feet wet on that whole matter. I did a little bit better than I thought I would, but definitely not good by any means. Afterwards Jolene stopped over for a suprise visit. I have gotten to see her three times within a four day span…which is such a nice change of pace from the once or twice a month we...
Blow a kiss as the ashes hit the ground
My weekend was absolutely amazing. Friday I woke up and got a message from Jolene telling me that she may be coming over, about four and a half hours later her and Michelle showed up at my door. I almost feel sorry for Michelle, that must have been incredibly awkward…but she seems somewhat amused by our antics. Saturday was mostly just playing RuneScape, I’m addicted again. I’m...
February 2008
11 posts
Passed
So I passed my GED test easily (with emphasis on “easily” from the guy who told me), not suprising. I’m not proud of myself, I’m just glad to have it done. I see it as one less hurdle I need to get over in order to move on to what I really want. You see I’m in a situation, my life is laid out perfectly and if all goes according to plan I will have everything I want,...
Motivated
My body aches right now from my neck all the way down to my calves, and it feels soooooooooo good. I feel very inspired at the moment, I want to do something. I miss being on stage so badly. I can’t wait to get my life moving again, and I’m not content to just sit here and wait like I have been doing for so long now. I really feel like I have something to say now. I’m over the...
Needed You More
I feel better…not good, but better. This is not because I have “gotten over” anything, the problem has just become less relevant. If it was to resurface I guarantee it would cripple me again, but fuck it. I may as well relish in this feeling of semi-content while I still have it. The band EkoTren is absolutely amazing. Their new cd “Light The Fire” easily gets a 10...
Meaningless
I’m done with the GED test now, I won’t know if I passed for a few weeks yet. I still feel like complete and utter shit, and I haven’t the slightest clue when/if this is going to end.
...
This is the most miserable I have been in about a year. …and yet again, no end in sight.
Good Enough?
Why am I sitting on this site trying to think of something to write when I really should be studying for my “Good Enough Diploma” test? I’ll tell you why, I have to be pushed to the very limit before I will react. I have time to spare so likewise I am wasting it. To my credit, I’ll probably resume as soon as I’m done with this…but that claim still isn’t...
Becoming a student again
I signed up for my GED test…fuck. I don’t regret dropping out of high school, I don’t regret not getting my diploma…as a matter of fact the only reason I now wish I would have completed it was so I didn’t have to go through with this shit. I’m not going to be any more competent once I finish this test, I’ll just have a piece of paper that somehow raises...
Nice guys finish last
So my prediction is definitely holding up so far, I’m absolutely miserable. I saw a video on YouTube today that really touched me for some reason. It was a video by a user by the name of Yokeup where he and his wife were reading passages of the bible off for their friends on YouTube. Now you know what I think about the bible and the bullshit contained in it, but it made me think about...
Blah
I am very not happy right now. The kicker, the day that has just passed was more or less a carbon copy of the day that preceded it…just minus the phone call. Unfortunately, I think I am going to be stuck in this rut for the forseeable future.